what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
as a side note pls kill me
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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