We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
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