i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It's blow job season.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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