Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
