dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
