Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
