i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
