i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
