i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
