Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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