Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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