me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
i've created a new STD.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
