What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
