Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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