I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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