I hate your face
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
