When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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