No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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