Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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