if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
