I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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