she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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