So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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