Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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