i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
