everyone is single if you try hard enough
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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