Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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