if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
