Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
