you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
