You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
