taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
