Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
