forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
