Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
