my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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