I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
