i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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