what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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