sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
