I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
