Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It's never too late to be topless.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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