after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
