Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
