I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
