i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
