Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
