remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize