sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
