Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
