I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
