Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
